I'm Not a Prodigy

I've been knitting since Memorial Day weekend, which is about 3 months. I love knitting. It's the one hobby (other than reading) that I'm serious about and I haven't given up before I ever really started (Example: Piano lessons - which, by the way, I still have all my books, notes from the four or so lessons I took, and the Casio keyboard I bought. I keep hoping I will go back to it one day. Sure......just like I'm going to lose this weight).

Back to knitting. I feel invested with this hobby but practical in the same vein. I have not bought a ton of yarn (partly due to me being out of work but also because I'm not good enough to buy the expensive yarn). I'm really a novice. Especially when I peruse the knitting blogs and forums out there.

You know what really makes me jealous? Socks!!! People who knit socks. I am in awe over the beauty and the workmanship it takes to knit socks. I could spend all day looking at knitted socks. When I go to the bookstore, I flip through the books on sock knitting. However, one look at the instructions, and I'm convinced that I will never be able to do this. But I want to!!!

I find knitting so full of contradictions. When I first started reading about it, all the books and how-to guides said all you need to know are two stitches, knit and purl. Everything is built on the foundation of these two stitches. So I'm intrigued! I can knit and purl. So I'm a pro, right? Wrong. Every time I make a stride in my knitting education (knit and purl stitches, binding off, cables, i-cords), I'm confronted with what I don't know....how to sew seams, how to block, how to properly weave-in the ends. And don't get me started on double-pointed needles and knitting in the round! I want to learn these techniques so badly (to produce those lovely knitted socks) but I really believe I should master the other techniques first.

So I'm slightly disappointed with my slow progress but overall I'm so glad that I picked up this hobby. Knitting has done wonders for my stress level and I can knit a fantastic scarf or washcloth. When I finally take that step to knit a pair of socks, I will post them proudly and loudly. Don't miss it! (But don't worry, you have at least a year to wait....)

Still Stumbling Along

I'm into my second (and last) week of babysitting. I've settled into a routine with the 2-year old. She's still unhappy to see me on certain occasions (I can't hold it against her). After this assignment, I have to start focusing on finding regular employment. I miss regular work, and the freedom that a paycheck brings you. It doesn't have to be a big paycheck, after all, there are no kids and no husband in my life. It's just me and a few bills.

I'm slowly working on my knitting. Funny thing is that once you learn one skill, you have to learn four other skills to finish a piece. I'm so backwards at blocking and seaming. I think I need to find a group of knitters in my area to sit down with and learn and watch.

I'm making a purse for the little girl I'm babysitting. It needs to be seamed and I have to make a cord for the shoulder strap. I'm not quite sure what an I-cord is, but I've seen it in my knitting books and I'm wondering if this would work.

My brother's one-year wedding anniversary was last Friday (the start of the Beijing Olympics). He's a very successful man; looking back on our childhood, it's so nice to see that he is happy and enjoying his life. I don't feel jealous or envious, even though I want those things for myself. His life doesn't cause me to break into fits (as I do when I compare myself to others); normally my brother and I are very competitive, but it's almost in a silly way. I can honestly say that I have no problem or neurosis about my (younger) brother far exceeding me in the life department.

I am in the process of accepting what I have in life. The past 10 years has made me desire a life with manageable stress and the simple basics.

Last Saturday, I was looking at silly stuff on the web. I found a site with the 25 worst album covers (this is the page here). Looking at the albums (and the subsequent comments from others) sent me into a fit of laughter, of which I haven't done in FOREVER. It felt so good. I was so happy to be laughing at something so silly. It was so intoxicating.

As Promised, A Peek At My Knitting

This is the reversible cable scarf that I am knitting. I got the free pattern from this site. However, my choice of yarn doesn't show the cables very nicely. My scarf is going to end up being very thick. I really like the colors in this yarn (it's Acrylic/Alpaca blend).



I enjoy knitting this pattern - it's very easy to do (I can even do it while babysitting). I think I've got the hang of cables now. I plan to try to do more cable designs. They just look so nice and like you put a bunch of work into it (when really it's quite simple to do).

For my second project, I'm working on a sweater. The pattern is from a book I bought, Knitting Simple Sweaters From Luxurious Yarns. And no, I didn't use a luxurious yarn....I used a wool yarn that was on sale at Michael's.

I've finished the back panel and I'm so close to finishing the front panel. I will need to start and finish the sleeves. Once that is finished, I can block the garment and stitch everything together.

I'm already in trouble with this because I don't think that the width is correct. I'm comfortable with the length of it, but the width somehow doesn't look right. I did a gauge swatch but the actual garment still falls short somehow. I'm going to wait to make a final declaration until after the sweater is blocked. Perhaps this is the push I need to lose this weight - so my imperfect sweater will fit me.



I can't wait to get a job so I can start spending money on new yarns! I would love to try double-pointed needles or circular knitting next. I am going to refrain from buying any more pattern or how-to books. I can use the internet for the free patterns for now.

Knitting has become a part of me very quickly. It's something I always look forward to doing - no matter what else is on the table.

How Much Can I Take?

So I've been out of work for over three weeks now. I'm babysitting for the next two weeks (so I consider this work - hell, I'm getting paid for it and it gets me out of the house so it's work!!!).

Unfortunately for me, I entertained an offer to go back to my old job. This is how it went down....they called me and asked me (twice!!) to come back. So I made an appointment to go in for an interview. (Now, at this point, I'm a little miffed that I have to "interview" but I can play the game....) During the interview, they offered me considerably less than what I was making before to come back. I turned them down. Perhaps not the wisest decision financially but I was extremely disappointed by this turn of events. I felt that I put myself out to be humiliated by them. First, I agreed to an interview and then I had to sit there and listen to them try to sell me on a much lower salary.

Because I quit, this gives them the right to come back to me and shame me? I gave them more than 6 weeks notice before leaving. I treated them with respect at all times; this was not recipocated by my employer.

I finished knitting the front of my sweater; now I need to start the arms. I got distracted and now I'm kniting a cabled scarf (which I think it's going to be way to thick to wear). I'll post a picture of it later.

Make Me a Better Person

Today I learned how to be a better person. Apparently, I'm not as nice as I should be. Normally, my response to this criticism (constructive or not) is "too bad, so sad". I don't feel the need to be what someone else thinks I should be, especially if it involves me being sweet or nice or any variance thereof.

However, this request came from my mother about my attitude towards her significant other. Okay, I'm going to try. Actually I've been making baby steps towards being nice to her SO but it's not enough for people to actually take notice and congratulate me. So I have to put on fake happiness and sweetness around those two and hope that they don't see it as sarcasm.

Summer television has kept me from being that crazy girl who flips the channels over and over and over, thinking that with each revolution I might stumble upon some amazing show (it never happens). I'm very satisfied with the reality shows (Project Runway, Shear Genius, Big Brother). Also, I'm into The Closer, In Plain Sight, Burn Notice, and most recently, Saving Grace. I can also be satiated by any repeat of Law and Order (any variation). The best part about the summer is Season Two of Mad Men on AMC.

Now, not to toot my own horn, but I discovered Mad Men before it was popular. This show is amazing; I downloaded the first season on iTunes, which I watch while I'm working out. My favorite part about the series is the scenes in the office. I definitely would have been right at home at Sterling Cooper - even if it was just a secretary. On second thought, I might even be too square for the 1960s - I can't stand cigarettes. But office cocktail could have definitely tempted me.

So if you need me this summer, I'll be at home (remember, no job), watching television, and practicing my smile for those who need sweetness in their lives.

Does It Really Matter?

My dreams have been crazy wild lately. They are so vivid to me, and they seem to be my just-before-waking dreams. I wake up so in the moment. Most of my dreams involve me being chased or followed, not always in a sinister way. Sometimes the dreams are very dark and scary (life-threatening), while others seem more fantasy or anime-like.

I was at the pool today (for only a few hours) and I'm so red. I'm too old to be damaging my skin like this. I made a mistake and I will not go to the pool again without covering my skin.

I'm going to Plant City tomorrow to visit my grandmother. Mom is coming to pick me up around 10 or so. My grandmother is a very sweet lady but her house is amazingly dirty and just barely qualifies for habitability. She's never ever been a housekeeper. When I was younger, my mother used to make me go over to the house and spend the day filling garbage bags with trash from the house, cleaning the kitchen, spraying for roaches, etc. I resented it so much because my mother never imposed this duty on my brother. Those days are long gone because my mother realized that she can't control my grandmother and persuade her to keep the house as "clean" as we left it. She's tired of being disappointed. Well, hello??? Who isn't disappointed with the people in our lives? Who among us hasn't disappointed someone? I am just so tired of being judged. My mother makes me feel like I'm being judged all the time.

When Life Hands You Lemons, Just Relax

I'm feeling no pain right now. While I've been out of work for a whole week, I'm not feeling pressured to return to the land of the working man. I have been looking for other jobs in the area because I miss the interaction and the daily challenges any job can bring. My desire is to do something creative with my life; I love shopping at the craft stores and just browsing the aisles, touching the yarns, imagining if I had unlimited funds to buy and create all day. That dream makes me so happy. That's a first for me.

So I have enough money to last me through a few months; thus the reason for my seemingly-carefree life. I do need to find a job. I'm not crazy; just living for the moment for once. Living to be happy. Relaxing.

So I've completed the back panel of my sweater, and I'm almost done with the front portion of my sweater (picture follows). I don't think that this sweater is going to be proportionally correct. However, I'm still going full force. At least my actions will result in something moderately resembling a sweater.



The air conditioner in my apartment broke this weekend. Argh! All windows opened and two fans going. Didn't help much. I took me forever to fall asleep. I had to postpone knitting for two days as it was simply too uncomfortable for me to touch the wool. Mr. A/C repair man came by today and fixed it. Now I'm back in relative comfort and coolness.

Additionally, the battery in my car just died. I had to replace the battery - at a cost of $90. Things are breaking. At a time when I would normally see this as an indication that my life is crap, I just take these in stride. This is what happens - normal course of life. I'm happy to let the part of me go that always wants to assume the worst.

I am not nervous anymore because I know what I want. I want happiness. And it's easy to get it if I would just learn to relax. And have hope.

It's About Undoing Things

Oh gosh. I had knitted about 15" of my sweater (the back panel) when, last night, I made a mistake. I tried in vain to fix it but ended up making it worse. I unknitted...

(Off Tangent: My co-worker Hillary had a loan that we funded but the house was not ready for closing, so she asked the title company to return the wire. This way she could re-send the wire when the house was ready to be transferred. When we contacted the lender about the proper procedure, our account executive asked "Did you unfund the loan?" The word unfund had us in giggles all day. We couldn't explain why. It's just a funny word.)...

all of the stitches, all rows, back to what I am guessing they call yarn puke. My pattern is so easy that I'm back to about 2" of new knitting. I'm really unsure of how to do the neck opening and how I am going to sew the seams together. I am not very good at sewing. I suspect I'll be on the Knitting Help site and asking a lot of questions.

As for my last day at work, we had a great little party at the aforementioned Hillary's house. We played karaoke all night; we had such a good time. I was offered a chance to come back to work in a few weeks. They think I need time to relax and regroup. I think I need to get away and stay away. Should I go back to the place that doesn't question that people have to work 10+ hours a day? I have no life outside of that office. No significant relationships with non-work friends or family. I have to establish a strong structure for my regular life. Work should be secondary, always. I have wasted so much time in my life. It's the central theme to my life. My goal is to turn that predilection around - as in unwaste.

Is It Cold Enough For You?

I started my sweater. It's not exactly the yarn I wanted but this wool/acrylic blend was only $1 per skein at Michael's.



The lady at Michael's told me that just looking at my wool was making her hot. July in Florida; I guess that's the reason this stuff was so cheap.

This is my last week at work. My nerves are setting in but I'm trying to overcome my fears. I'm determined to make this a good decision. And I keep telling myself that everything is going to be okay.

Continuing Education

I'm going to JoAnn's today. I want to pick up some yarn for my first sweater. According to the pattern, I need a 50/50 cotton/acrylic blend. I'm excited about it. I'll probably treat myself to Starbucks too, since there are two in the immediate vicinity.

Last night, I experimented with cables. I made a really simple test swatch of with a left-twisting cable. It worked!!!



I know that it's not perfect but the cable part of it looks right.

The funny thing about learning how to knit is that I started out with two books and a beginner's kit from JoAnn's. The how-to books were helpful, but now that I'm armed with a little bit of knowledge, I'm re-reading them and actually gaining so much more from them. I understand the concepts now and it feels more like reading for enjoyment than like I'm reading from a textbook.

My hair is so long - I need a hair cut. Hair cuts are very scary for me since my hair is naturally curly; I don't trust anyone. That's why my hair ends up this long.


Eventually I force myself into the salon, and they just take off a few inches and all the split ends, and I feel so much better. But taking that first step is so traumatic. From my youth to my late 20's, I always had short hair because my mother had no idea how to handle my thick frizzy hair. The easiest way for her to handle it was to cut it off. You see all these little girls with baby fine hair, so easy to brush and braid and put pigtails in. Not me. After my hair dries, if you try to brush it you will end up with a huge frizzy afro. I think my short hair aged me, and even though I'm fat, I still like long hair. I guess it would be nice if I could take care of it properly.

No Compromise

My co-workers are still telling me that they can't believe I'm leaving. I hear from most folks that I will be back, that this work is in my blood. While I agree that the salary is very nice, I am 100% willing to walk away from it in order to find a better quality life. This week alone I've worked 12 to 14 hours EVERY DAY. There is no respite from this pattern. My trip from the house to the office is 30 to 40 minutes; I use this time to fantasize about the future and ponder on my wasted life. I'm not going to say that I'm not worried or scared, but I am also excited and willing to risk things in order to find a balance. I don't have a family or children; what is the reason I need to throw my whole life away for a job?

The community I live in switched cable companies. I basically ignored all the hubbub since basic cable and internet is provided as a part of my rent. However, I lost Internet connectivity for 2 days because my modem was not registered as a part of the network. Of course, working 12 hours a day means I have no time during the work week to focus on anything during normal hours. Today I called Brighthouse and managed to have the problem fixed within 2 hours.

The reason I mention this is because recently I've become more aware that I have to fix things. Nothing comes simply anymore. I have to solve problems, and I resent that. It's part of what makes me so angry about everything. I've never had anyone take care of me. I've always assumed the role of problem solver and person in charge. I am jealous of those people who get taken care of and can focus on themselves, while I have to concentrate on so many other things and I neglect myself in order to get everything done.

This is a part of my reasoning behind me leaving my job. I want a chance to do something for me.

I missed knitting this week. I am amassing a collection of washcloths. I'm trying to move onto something more substantial. I'm considering a sweater; my only concern being the cost of the yarn.

July is going to be a good month. I'm predicting it now. It's the start of new things for me. I hope.