Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Does It Really Matter?

My dreams have been crazy wild lately. They are so vivid to me, and they seem to be my just-before-waking dreams. I wake up so in the moment. Most of my dreams involve me being chased or followed, not always in a sinister way. Sometimes the dreams are very dark and scary (life-threatening), while others seem more fantasy or anime-like.

I was at the pool today (for only a few hours) and I'm so red. I'm too old to be damaging my skin like this. I made a mistake and I will not go to the pool again without covering my skin.

I'm going to Plant City tomorrow to visit my grandmother. Mom is coming to pick me up around 10 or so. My grandmother is a very sweet lady but her house is amazingly dirty and just barely qualifies for habitability. She's never ever been a housekeeper. When I was younger, my mother used to make me go over to the house and spend the day filling garbage bags with trash from the house, cleaning the kitchen, spraying for roaches, etc. I resented it so much because my mother never imposed this duty on my brother. Those days are long gone because my mother realized that she can't control my grandmother and persuade her to keep the house as "clean" as we left it. She's tired of being disappointed. Well, hello??? Who isn't disappointed with the people in our lives? Who among us hasn't disappointed someone? I am just so tired of being judged. My mother makes me feel like I'm being judged all the time.

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