|The beginning of a scarf|
For example, today I was thinking about how much hatred I have in my heart. Or maybe I just feel like life is unfair and it makes me angry. Now, as I start to type what I was thinking, I realize that the words on the page only make me sound bitter and pathetic. It is a habit of mine to look at houses as I drive by and imagine how the people living inside can afford such luxury. What is it that they are doing that I am not? I then see that my hatred is just jealousy and it makes me feel uglier than all my excess weight ever does. It's just a game I play with myself.
I then skipped around until I made a connection to explain my jealousy. I was raised Catholic and attended parochial school until the 9th grade. This means I went to mass every Friday and Sunday for at least 8 years, from age 5 to 14. On top of that, every year we had a religious education class. All the teachings were drilled into me over and over until it was no longer a choice but a part of me. I believed with all my heart that if I lived my life as a good Christian that I would be rewarded by a good life. So, I was basically a good person, with the exception of petty childish things, I earned good grades in school, I tried my best to be respectful of all adults, I did what I was told. And then I waited. Waited for this good life to come to me. By the time I realized that the good life was not going to come to me, that I had to pursue it, I ended up with a man who took complete advantage of me. Convincing me that being with him was the good life, when it was the exact opposite of good. It was completely wrong. I gave up that lifestyle and just tried to live a decent life. Yet, I am still behind and the morally corrupt, rotten people are miles ahead of me. I have no explanation for this imbalance and its very existence pisses me off. That's the convoluted reason I envy those who have so much more than me.
I have to say that there are people I love who are experiencing things so much worse than me not having a house, or another kitten, or a baby or even a respectable career and money. I specifically am not including their pain in this because it's not my place to discuss their private matters. However, I am in no way equating the unfairness I feel with what they are going through and I would never discuss this with them for that same reason. I would gladly accept more pain and suffering, with the rule of keeping my pity party strictly to myself, to alleviate all their problems from their life.