Thursday, October 26, 2006

Target vs. Walmart

Everyone knows that Target beats Walmart as the place to shop. Here's proof:

1. Target has Starbucks mini-shoppes (spelling it this way means you are sophisticated). And Walmart? I think they have some Blimpie/7-11/McDonalds concoction with scary-looking employees.

2. You would not be ashamed to admit that the shirt or pants you are wearing came from Target. But I don't care how big your boobs look in that shirt or how skinny you look in those pants, you'd never admit they came from Walmart (maybe you'd whisper it but you'd be prepared for the backlash).

3. Target's bathroom's are relatively clean. However, I'd rather take a dump on the side of the road than go into a Walmart bathroom. I swear I've been in Walmart bathrooms where every single stall has some major explosion of human waste that would make Gil Grissom cringe. And if you don't know who Gil Grissom is, then shame on you.

4. Target's television ads are cute and chic; I'm partial to the red and white bullseye. Walmart's ads feature that yellow smiley bouncing around the screen, giving me a headache and making me drive to CVS for aspirin. (CVS is another story and the best drugstore ever).

5. Walmart has a nasty habit of selling EDITED CDs and not carrying certain magazines and authors. This is censorship and personally offensive to me. Perhaps they should worry more about censoring who visits their store than the merchandise they carry.

6. I'm not afraid to go to Target at night (although I'm still very careful, just not fearful) or on payday. However, Walmart at night or, even worse, payday is an experience that can make even the most macho among us afraid. It's like some Walmart sends out a beacon that only registers in the brains of those who are commanded by Beelzebub, and who have cashed in their entire week's wages, and directed them to the closest Walmart to shop. Of course, you've just stopped in to buy a few things, but along the way, you pick up a cart full of groceries, sundries, etc. As you stand in line, and the Walmart zombies circle around, you start to panic. You want to stay and purchase your goodies, but zombies are closing in and breathing on you, and next thing you know, you've run away from a cart full of $300 worth of frozen foods and meats.

7. You can pronouce Target as the sort-of cool "Tars-shay" while Walmart is referred to as "Murder Central".

I don't hate Walmart; I've been there twice this week alone. You can't beat their prices and they do have the handy self-checkout so you don't have been subjected to the cold-as-fish employees. Target just appeals to the bourgeoisie in me. Target is the type of store that you actually make plans to visit (i.e. "What are you doing this weekend?" "I'm going to the movies with dude and then we are heading to Target to look at televisions"), whereas Walmart is an after-thought (i.e., you just got through having sex with dude, and you both realize he wasn't wearing a condom).

What Is Missing From My Life

1. DVR. We have every single Brighthouse service: digital cable, broadband, digital phone, digital boxes, splitters, amplifiers, on-demand, but not DVR, which every other household in America has access to. Not us, we prefer to throw away our hard earned money every month on shitty reception and 200 million channels showing the same crappy movies over and over. How much does $200 a month buy you? Anacondas 2 and Monster-in-Law in pixelated freeze frame and Brighthouse subcontractors at the house every weekend. Enough already!!

2. Starbucks. I plan my weekends around Starbucks. Starbucks makes me so happy, even when I get the new Starbucks employee behind the counter who can't manage to yell to the Barista "Grande White Chocolate Mocha Light" without tripping over her own words. That's right, Light goes at the end of the shout-out. I'm addicted but not ashamed. I can't wait for Starbucks delivery (in my dreams!!!)

3. A Maid. The boyfriend is completely tired of me saying that I need to get organized. Organized is my code word for cleaning my room. Somehow, after work every day, my body breaks down and I am completely physically unable to take my clothes and hang them up in the closet. Instead, the clothes somehow migrate around my room in small piles; I imagine they are visiting each other as they are clothes that don't ordinarily hang out together (like my black skirt is currently entangled with my hot pink New York t-shirt). So I can't possibly pick them off of the floor until I'm sure that they have worked out all of their problems.

4. A skinny phone. I can't be thin in real life so my phone should substitute for me.

Melt My Heart

I spent the whole weekend with my boyfriend for the first time ever, and I remarked to him that he must be so sick of me.

Later that evening, while we were talking on the phone, he brought up my comment. He told me that he absolutely did not feel that way at all, that I was the best part of his life, and I made him very happy.

I was speechless. Partly because I was flattered by his expression of love, but more importantly because I believed him. He's not setting up or keeping me hanging on until something better comes around.

I am the something better, as he is for me.

I believe him. I can go the whole work week not seeing him because I trust him. I don't worry about where he is or who he is with because I know he is a loyal, faithful man.

I lived six miserable years always questioning and wondering about what my ex-boyfriend was doing, and who he was doing it with. This became a normal, and quite stressful, part of my life.
The reason this relationship feels so much easier, healthier is because I have no stress when it comes to me and him. There aren't other people helping themselves to a part of what is private between us. I'm not being set up or strung along until the next best thing comes around.

I am the best thing for him, as he is for me.

Annoying Is Too Strong A Word

As much as I want to believe that I am a completely lovable person, the harsh reality (learned that term from the ex) is that I am generally, on the whole, pretty damn annoying. As proof I offer up:

1. I skipped out on my best friend's birthday dinner. Okay, well that's just bad form, not really defendable, or funny. Bonus Points: Everyone who did go got food poisoning.

2. I talk way too much about trivial things and I absolutely dramatize everything. Case in point: I thought the boyfriend and I were having "relationship" problems so I called him a total of seven times in one night. During our last conversation of the night, Steve said to me, "Sweetie, I've got a plate full of food in front of me and the football game is on. Do we really have to talk about this right now?" Mitigating Factor: The Dolphins lost that night.

3. I'm guilty of the "got a man, no time for the friends". I'm making it up to them this weekend, I swear.

4. My negativity. (THANKS DAD). So I'm a glass-is-half-empty type of person, but I really want to turn it around (hey!!! a positive thought!!). Bonus Points: I'm rarely disappointed as I expect the worst, and ecstatic when something good happens (although I'm usually questioning it).

5. I'm addicted to Starbucks....just like everyone else in the world. It should be my personal shop, I hate standing in line, after all, I am the chain's strongest supporter. Hello, I buy the water bottles for FULL price (that's 21.95 for those not in the know).

6. I stay home to watch my reality tv shows. Annoys the shit of the boyfriend. Mitigating Factor: He does the same thing for football, soccer, indy and formula one racing, Sportscenter, 30 minute meals, any Pierce Bronsan movie......

This has been fun. Hope you had a laugh or two.

Things So Far

So I took a trip with my boyfriend (seriously I'm almost 40 years old, and that term seems sooooo inappropriate but at the same time, I have to smile when I type it) to visit his father yesterday. His dad lives in The Villages, which is this Stepford-meets-The-Twilight-Zone retirement community in Leesburg. There are no children anywhere....just a swelling of retirees and golf carts. Everything has its place, with its own theme and matching color coordinated decor, landscaping, and architecture. Disney - children + doctors, dentists, and ambulances on every corner = The Villages.

I'm not being critical because I had a nice time later that night. One of the two Town Squares has live music on Saturday nights, and they played 40's and 50's old school big band and crooner music (of course, every 45 minutes they broke out with the Electric Slide and Macarena - I learned that line dancing is VERY popular in The Villages). Being outside on a Saturday night with the cool music, enjoying a beer with my sweetie, taking in a movie made for a very enjoyable night.

In front of every house is a little sign, annoucing the names of the occupants, and many times, their hometown. As we took our tour, I passed thousands of homes, and I tried to read the names of each little sign. I paused to think about who that couple is, how long they were married, how many children and grandchildren they have, was life with their spouse everything they always dreamed it would be? I grew a bit envious; my life has restarted so many times, due to my poor choices, and I've lost the chance to enjoy these simple things. I will never enjoy the 50th wedding anniversary, like my paternal and maternal grandparents, nor will I be a housewife and stay-at-home mom.

What makes this different for me now is that this envy is not all-consuming; I'm not wallowing in what I've missed. Instead, I see that things change and evolve, and I know that I have options. Maybe not the ones I expect, but good things have happened to me and continue to happen for me.

Now if I could only learn to control the drama in my life.........