Thursday, July 24, 2008

Make Me a Better Person

Today I learned how to be a better person. Apparently, I'm not as nice as I should be. Normally, my response to this criticism (constructive or not) is "too bad, so sad". I don't feel the need to be what someone else thinks I should be, especially if it involves me being sweet or nice or any variance thereof.

However, this request came from my mother about my attitude towards her significant other. Okay, I'm going to try. Actually I've been making baby steps towards being nice to her SO but it's not enough for people to actually take notice and congratulate me. So I have to put on fake happiness and sweetness around those two and hope that they don't see it as sarcasm.

Summer television has kept me from being that crazy girl who flips the channels over and over and over, thinking that with each revolution I might stumble upon some amazing show (it never happens). I'm very satisfied with the reality shows (Project Runway, Shear Genius, Big Brother). Also, I'm into The Closer, In Plain Sight, Burn Notice, and most recently, Saving Grace. I can also be satiated by any repeat of Law and Order (any variation). The best part about the summer is Season Two of Mad Men on AMC.

Now, not to toot my own horn, but I discovered Mad Men before it was popular. This show is amazing; I downloaded the first season on iTunes, which I watch while I'm working out. My favorite part about the series is the scenes in the office. I definitely would have been right at home at Sterling Cooper - even if it was just a secretary. On second thought, I might even be too square for the 1960s - I can't stand cigarettes. But office cocktail could have definitely tempted me.

So if you need me this summer, I'll be at home (remember, no job), watching television, and practicing my smile for those who need sweetness in their lives.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Does It Really Matter?

My dreams have been crazy wild lately. They are so vivid to me, and they seem to be my just-before-waking dreams. I wake up so in the moment. Most of my dreams involve me being chased or followed, not always in a sinister way. Sometimes the dreams are very dark and scary (life-threatening), while others seem more fantasy or anime-like.

I was at the pool today (for only a few hours) and I'm so red. I'm too old to be damaging my skin like this. I made a mistake and I will not go to the pool again without covering my skin.

I'm going to Plant City tomorrow to visit my grandmother. Mom is coming to pick me up around 10 or so. My grandmother is a very sweet lady but her house is amazingly dirty and just barely qualifies for habitability. She's never ever been a housekeeper. When I was younger, my mother used to make me go over to the house and spend the day filling garbage bags with trash from the house, cleaning the kitchen, spraying for roaches, etc. I resented it so much because my mother never imposed this duty on my brother. Those days are long gone because my mother realized that she can't control my grandmother and persuade her to keep the house as "clean" as we left it. She's tired of being disappointed. Well, hello??? Who isn't disappointed with the people in our lives? Who among us hasn't disappointed someone? I am just so tired of being judged. My mother makes me feel like I'm being judged all the time.

Monday, July 21, 2008

When Life Hands You Lemons, Just Relax

I'm feeling no pain right now. While I've been out of work for a whole week, I'm not feeling pressured to return to the land of the working man. I have been looking for other jobs in the area because I miss the interaction and the daily challenges any job can bring. My desire is to do something creative with my life; I love shopping at the craft stores and just browsing the aisles, touching the yarns, imagining if I had unlimited funds to buy and create all day. That dream makes me so happy. That's a first for me.

So I have enough money to last me through a few months; thus the reason for my seemingly-carefree life. I do need to find a job. I'm not crazy; just living for the moment for once. Living to be happy. Relaxing.

So I've completed the back panel of my sweater, and I'm almost done with the front portion of my sweater (picture follows). I don't think that this sweater is going to be proportionally correct. However, I'm still going full force. At least my actions will result in something moderately resembling a sweater.

The air conditioner in my apartment broke this weekend. Argh! All windows opened and two fans going. Didn't help much. I took me forever to fall asleep. I had to postpone knitting for two days as it was simply too uncomfortable for me to touch the wool. Mr. A/C repair man came by today and fixed it. Now I'm back in relative comfort and coolness.

Additionally, the battery in my car just died. I had to replace the battery - at a cost of $90. Things are breaking. At a time when I would normally see this as an indication that my life is crap, I just take these in stride. This is what happens - normal course of life. I'm happy to let the part of me go that always wants to assume the worst.

I am not nervous anymore because I know what I want. I want happiness. And it's easy to get it if I would just learn to relax. And have hope.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

It's About Undoing Things

Oh gosh. I had knitted about 15" of my sweater (the back panel) when, last night, I made a mistake. I tried in vain to fix it but ended up making it worse. I unknitted...

(Off Tangent: My co-worker Hillary had a loan that we funded but the house was not ready for closing, so she asked the title company to return the wire. This way she could re-send the wire when the house was ready to be transferred. When we contacted the lender about the proper procedure, our account executive asked "Did you unfund the loan?" The word unfund had us in giggles all day. We couldn't explain why. It's just a funny word.)...

all of the stitches, all rows, back to what I am guessing they call yarn puke. My pattern is so easy that I'm back to about 2" of new knitting. I'm really unsure of how to do the neck opening and how I am going to sew the seams together. I am not very good at sewing. I suspect I'll be on the Knitting Help site and asking a lot of questions.

As for my last day at work, we had a great little party at the aforementioned Hillary's house. We played karaoke all night; we had such a good time. I was offered a chance to come back to work in a few weeks. They think I need time to relax and regroup. I think I need to get away and stay away. Should I go back to the place that doesn't question that people have to work 10+ hours a day? I have no life outside of that office. No significant relationships with non-work friends or family. I have to establish a strong structure for my regular life. Work should be secondary, always. I have wasted so much time in my life. It's the central theme to my life. My goal is to turn that predilection around - as in unwaste.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Is It Cold Enough For You?

I started my sweater. It's not exactly the yarn I wanted but this wool/acrylic blend was only $1 per skein at Michael's.

The lady at Michael's told me that just looking at my wool was making her hot. July in Florida; I guess that's the reason this stuff was so cheap.

This is my last week at work. My nerves are setting in but I'm trying to overcome my fears. I'm determined to make this a good decision. And I keep telling myself that everything is going to be okay.

Finding My Treasure

Now that my shawl is complete (yarn purchased during the Orange Blossom Yarn Crawl in March), it is just hanging out in my foyer until I de...