Sunday, June 15, 2008

You Always Remember Your First

Driving to visit my dad this weekend, I thought about how my life has not taken any direct path. I have meandered all over the place, skipping key events due to my insecurities or my poor choices. I started by summarizing my major relationships with men; my father, who loved me but only when I was the perfect daughter, the husband who I had little physical affection with or for, the lover who I obsessed over. Somewhere in there I lost my direction; I found it acceptable to dismiss my obligations and left them for others to pay for it. I never had children. I jumped from job to job, trying to support someone else.

I see it in the way I knit. I make mistakes. Usually, when I try to fix it, I make the problem worse. So I cover it up the best way I can and go on. Covering up. Avoidance. That's the way I've lived my life now for longer than I can remember.

I have moments where I feel utterly terrified about life. I almost panic over it. Most of all I do not want my family to know what a failure I am. I feel like failure oozes from me; I struggle to cover up but it seeps through in my weight or my frizzy hair or any deficient part of me.

I love my family; I never want to be without them. However, I think they would be better off without me. My dreams are filled with people chasing me. I'm always running in my dreams. I run in real life, too (not physically, but figurately). I left my husband; I left my lover numerous times; I've left jobs with no safety net(as in Current Day in the Life of Deb). I never make it to safety in my dreams. I always wake up before I arrive or get caught. Some day I'm not going to be so lucky.

I knitted my first hat. It is so full of mistakes but I am happy with it anyway. It's sort of cute for a first hat. I'm going to knit some more washcloths but my next big project is a sweater. I'm waiting for needles I bought from eBay to arrive first.

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