What Is Missing From My Life

1. DVR. We have every single Brighthouse service: digital cable, broadband, digital phone, digital boxes, splitters, amplifiers, on-demand, but not DVR, which every other household in America has access to. Not us, we prefer to throw away our hard earned money every month on shitty reception and 200 million channels showing the same crappy movies over and over. How much does $200 a month buy you? Anacondas 2 and Monster-in-Law in pixelated freeze frame and Brighthouse subcontractors at the house every weekend. Enough already!!

2. Starbucks. I plan my weekends around Starbucks. Starbucks makes me so happy, even when I get the new Starbucks employee behind the counter who can't manage to yell to the Barista "Grande White Chocolate Mocha Light" without tripping over her own words. That's right, Light goes at the end of the shout-out. I'm addicted but not ashamed. I can't wait for Starbucks delivery (in my dreams!!!)

3. A Maid. The boyfriend is completely tired of me saying that I need to get organized. Organized is my code word for cleaning my room. Somehow, after work every day, my body breaks down and I am completely physically unable to take my clothes and hang them up in the closet. Instead, the clothes somehow migrate around my room in small piles; I imagine they are visiting each other as they are clothes that don't ordinarily hang out together (like my black skirt is currently entangled with my hot pink New York t-shirt). So I can't possibly pick them off of the floor until I'm sure that they have worked out all of their problems.

4. A skinny phone. I can't be thin in real life so my phone should substitute for me.

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