Thursday, October 26, 2006

Target vs. Walmart

Everyone knows that Target beats Walmart as the place to shop. Here's proof:

1. Target has Starbucks mini-shoppes (spelling it this way means you are sophisticated). And Walmart? I think they have some Blimpie/7-11/McDonalds concoction with scary-looking employees.

2. You would not be ashamed to admit that the shirt or pants you are wearing came from Target. But I don't care how big your boobs look in that shirt or how skinny you look in those pants, you'd never admit they came from Walmart (maybe you'd whisper it but you'd be prepared for the backlash).

3. Target's bathroom's are relatively clean. However, I'd rather take a dump on the side of the road than go into a Walmart bathroom. I swear I've been in Walmart bathrooms where every single stall has some major explosion of human waste that would make Gil Grissom cringe. And if you don't know who Gil Grissom is, then shame on you.

4. Target's television ads are cute and chic; I'm partial to the red and white bullseye. Walmart's ads feature that yellow smiley bouncing around the screen, giving me a headache and making me drive to CVS for aspirin. (CVS is another story and the best drugstore ever).

5. Walmart has a nasty habit of selling EDITED CDs and not carrying certain magazines and authors. This is censorship and personally offensive to me. Perhaps they should worry more about censoring who visits their store than the merchandise they carry.

6. I'm not afraid to go to Target at night (although I'm still very careful, just not fearful) or on payday. However, Walmart at night or, even worse, payday is an experience that can make even the most macho among us afraid. It's like some Walmart sends out a beacon that only registers in the brains of those who are commanded by Beelzebub, and who have cashed in their entire week's wages, and directed them to the closest Walmart to shop. Of course, you've just stopped in to buy a few things, but along the way, you pick up a cart full of groceries, sundries, etc. As you stand in line, and the Walmart zombies circle around, you start to panic. You want to stay and purchase your goodies, but zombies are closing in and breathing on you, and next thing you know, you've run away from a cart full of $300 worth of frozen foods and meats.

7. You can pronouce Target as the sort-of cool "Tars-shay" while Walmart is referred to as "Murder Central".

I don't hate Walmart; I've been there twice this week alone. You can't beat their prices and they do have the handy self-checkout so you don't have been subjected to the cold-as-fish employees. Target just appeals to the bourgeoisie in me. Target is the type of store that you actually make plans to visit (i.e. "What are you doing this weekend?" "I'm going to the movies with dude and then we are heading to Target to look at televisions"), whereas Walmart is an after-thought (i.e., you just got through having sex with dude, and you both realize he wasn't wearing a condom).

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