Where I Want To Be

While watching my all-time favorite show, Mad Men, I was struck by the ending scene where the protagonist is wading into the ocean (in the case of the tv show it was the Pacific).

I've always loved the ocean; so many of my childhood memories and feelings are tied up in our annual trips to the beach. For as far back as I can really remember (and what I can't remember I have evidenced in pictures), my family vacationed for one week a year during July-August in Anna Maria Island, Gulf of Mexico, Florida. We always stayed at the same motel, which was just a small collection of rooms; not the big hotel condominiums that you might be imagining.

If I could describe nirvana or heaven or the perfect peace, I would tell you about my vacations to Anna Maria Island. The whole summer was built upon the anticipation of piling in our little family car (we never had a big car; my parents drove a Ford Tempo or a Mazda 4-door low level model); all we packed was a bunch of beach towels and plastic floats and perhaps a few shirts and shorts. All the apartments had full kitchens; after we checked in, then Mom and I would drive to the supermarket and stock up on sandwich meat and basics for the week. This was the only time I loved grocery shopping (usually Mom had to drag me with her on her ritual Saturday morning shopping at home). Somehow, this grocery store was cooler than the one at home; after all, I could wear my bathing suit and flip flops to this grocery store and feel right at home.

The smell of the ocean and of Coppertone sunscreen would send me flying out of the apartment as soon as possible. The motel had a pool, and we would divide our time between the pool and the ocean. We were never afraid of the ocean water; I loved the way my skin felt after I got of the ocean - the salt sticking to my skin.

We would wake up so early! Mom would go out early mornings and walk down the beach looking for shells. We would eat breakfast together and Dad and I would work the Word Jumble Puzzle (our local paper didn't carry this - just another reason to love the beach). We would spend most of the morning out but around 12:30 to 2:00, we would pack it in because it was just too hot to be outside. We would eat lunch and then nap (because swimming all morning makes you tired). Around 3:00, we would get our second wind, my brother and I would go to the ocean and dig for the small bivalve shells. You could scoop up the sand and see them; then they would push out their slimy foot to start digging back into the sand. We would wade out with my mom to the sandbar that usually formed and hunt for sand dollars. We never went back to the apartment until it got dark.

Dinner was usually very casual; but we would go out to eat at least once during our week visit. There were two restaurants we would routinely visit - Fast Eddie's (whose motto was Warm Beer, Lousy Food) or Pete Renard's (who had a room with a revolving floor!). There was strip mall down the road and we would visit the gift shops to pick up little gifts for our friends and mementos of our trip (like a pooka shell necklace).

My parents would take a walk down the beach at night, sometimes my brother and I would join them, but sometimes not. When I think about this, I allow myself to believe that perhaps they were reconnecting on some romantic level. Fights between them were non-existent during this week; but at home, there were lost weekends, especially for my mother, where they would not speak to each other from Friday night to Monday morning.

It was during this time at the beach that I feel so connected to my parents and my brother. We seemed to share so much by just swimming together or laying on a beach towel or blanket reading books. The motel had a bookshelf in the lobby where they collected books and you could borrow or take or donate. I loved this bookshelf - it's where I first learned about romance novels. I gobbled those up one summer.

I feel so far away from that person I was during those trips; perhaps I can never recreate that sense of security and wholeness and peace. My life is so much about the littlest, tiniest bullshit now. I deal in minutiae and I get stressed because some (in the big picture) insignificant mistake has occurred. I have no control anymore; I've given into the stress of something that will not matter in 24 months or 24 days or 24 hours.

I really feel disconnected from my current life; I'm missing some type of meaningful existence or some sense of relaxation and calm. If I manage to get back to the beach, can I make a significant change in my life - will it be the answer I'm looking for?

Don't Expect Me To Be Patient

I worry about everything. And now, I'm starting to worry.

Things are spinning freakishly out of control. Who would have guessed? My life is all messed up.

Freakish does not adequate describe my life. I think one of the ladies at work is a demented psycho - she smiles this weird fake smile that makes me squirm. I can barely look at her when she breaks into this weird look. But looks I can forgive...I'm not a beauty either. But this girl has pushed me over the crazy ledge.

What did she do that makes me despise her so much? It's hard (and boring) to go into with relative strangers. I've decided that the best way to handle her is with the most basic and general answers I can muster. You see, part of this girl's most annoying characteristics is to ask me the most mundane and ridiculous questions. So I'm responding in kind.

Example of our conversation. I'm called Me. She-who-must-be-ignored is Her.

Her: (holding a Fedex airbill) How do I fill out one of these?
Me: Ummmmm (thinking she's got to be joking).
Her: What do I write in these spaces?
Me: ummmmm, the address where your package is going???
Her: How do I.....write my name.....use this ink-filled plastic tube in my hand.....function on a daily basis?
Me: Please go away and direct all future questions to our boss.

I have no patience. I'll show you how to use the fax machine. I will not tolerate you asking me three times (in a row) about the confirmation page that prints after you send a fax. It's in your hand!!! How can I further expand on a piece of paper that prints the time, date, fax number and the word "OK"?

So back to me being worried. I'm worried because I'm uprooting my life and home to move closer to this job and the people are freaking me out. I'm not feeling so confident.

Where's hope when I need it?

My First Tag

I have to give credit to Holly, who tagged me and inspired me to start posting again.




My seven weird and/or random facts about me:

1. I sleep with my eyeglasses on. Eventually I take them off sometime during the night but I really like the idea waking up and being able to see (I realize that this just means I should break down and get lasik surgery....)

2. I love the television show Mad Men. It's on AMC on Sunday nights. I watch it at 10 p.m. and then I watch the repeat immediately after at 11 p.m. (in case I miss anything).

3. Supposedly I saved my brother from drowning when we were very little. I was watching my brother (I was about 6, he was 3) while my parents were swimming in a local lake. My brother went into the water and started to struggle and I screamed for my parents, who got him out of the water. Now no one can exactly remember what happened and there are varying stories (I think I was on the beach; my mother thinks I was also in the water). Before you start getting upset with my parents, remember this was 1976 (admittedly things were a bit more lax) and my brother and I both learned to swim when we were very young.

4. I taught myself to knit on Memorial Day weekend of 2008.

5. My fondest childhood memories are summer vacations at Anna Maria Island, Gulf of Mexico. I often wish I could go back and re-create those feelings and that time.

6. I believe in karma; I believe I am still paying for the bad things I did to my ex-husband and ex-boyfriend.

7. I believed in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy until the ripe old age of 12. I can still remember the exact day I found out the truth; I was devastated.

I don't know seven people with blogs; can I just owe you for the other five?

Tagged:
Danielle
Dawn

The Market Fell Apart But I'm Still Here

Wow, it's been a while since I've written. I did not mean to take such a long hiatus; and I've been thinking about the blog for weeks. I was not intentionally avoiding my duties; I liken my absence to the voicemail message from that friend who called weeks ago. I've been meaning to call her back but something else inevitably comes up.

My brother and his wife were in town on the weekend of September 20. My parents (and their significant others) hosted a dinner party for Tony and Julie. My brother and I agree that the weekend went smoothly as possible. I felt very left out; very out of place. I look so different than everyone else. My weight is ridiculous. Strangely, I don't feel that overweight or big, but the pictures taken show me a completely new, and very scary, side of me. I just see myself as plump, but I look at the pictures and I see a very big girl. I'm very scared and when I get scared, I just freeze. I can't do anything when I'm scared.

Last weekend, my mother celebrated her birthday. I went to a party at her house with some of her friends. It was a very nice day and I actually managed to buy her a gift. She's been very supportive (as usual) of my recent disengagement from the working public. I owe her a lot. And I was glad that my gift was thoughtful and not some last minute thing where I run to CVS and purchase a gift card.

I know you are wondering if I am gainfully employed. I am. I'm working for an attorney that I first worked for back in 2002 when I moved to Orlando with my ex-boyfriend. It's a job where I can work 8:30 to 5:00 and also have autonomy with my files. Another plus is that the office is pretty small and I have been asked (and eagerly stepped in) as the computer tech for the office. I'm going to have to move from my current residence and rent a place closer to the office. Right now, I'm spending a lot of money on gas and tolls. I can move to an apartment close to the office and save money on everything (gas, tolls, and rent).

The other issue I have with my current residence is that it is simply too big. I have too much room; I hate cleaning. I can tidy up and pick up after myself, but there is way too much room here and I seem to simply shut down when it comes to anything. I've given notice that I'm not renewing the lease so in November I'm out. I really need a smaller place.

I've been neglecting my knitting. But I will get back into it as soon as I am settled in whatever new apartment I rent. I'm working on a rug right now. I've finished the six squares that will be seamed together (no, they are not exactly the same shape so there will be challenges knitting it together). Here's a picture of it:



I feel really lucky and grateful to have a job and the possibilities in front of me. I'm missing hope. 2009 is going to be about me searching for hope.

Still On Track

It's lunchtime here in Central Florida, and I am still awaiting the arrival of Tropical Storm Fay. So far, not much rain has fallen and the winds are relatively calm. The local news people are telling me that we still start to feel the effects within a few hours. Oh joy.

I got up early today and completed phase two of my master cleaning plan. I cleaned all three bathrooms. Tomorrow is the bedroom.

Although now I have a ton of laundry piled up. Perhaps I need to start working on that today, since it's still relatively early and my hands are idle.

For the last three weekends in a row, my good friend Danielle has had garage sales. Last night, around 9 p.m. or so, I got the cleaning bug and hauled out a bunch of stuff for a garage sale. Danielle said she's going to have another one this Saturday.

If Danielle is still up to the fourth garage sale in a row this Saturday, I'm going to pack my car and take this stuff over to her house. I will take any offer for my things. I just want them gone. And, truthfully, I could use a little extra cash - I'm still unemployed.

Now if Danielle is sick of spending Saturdays in the sun watching people slowly peruse her driveway goods from their cars, then I will put my junk in our garage. My community does not allow individual driveway sales. The HOA have approved two semi-annual neighborhood-wide events, with one already earlier this year and the next in early October. My precious items will just sit and I will participate in the October sale.

I'm off to start my exciting day of laundry and reading and watching the rain come down.

Into My Life, A Little Rain Must Fall

Tropical Storm Fay is headed our way, probably hitting Central Florida tomorrow mid-morning.

I've been pretty lazy about housework lately. I'm at the point where is it too much to try to take care of in one morning. Therefore, in a sign of my ongoing maturity, I have decided to tackle one room a day. In this way, I get the house clean within the week under manageable conditions.

Today, the first day, I took on the kitchen. I cleaned out the refrigerator and freezer. I stockpiled ice (for the storm). Also, the shelves and pantry are organized. The stove and microwave got a thorough cleaning. I even put stuff aside for my friend's garage sale at the end of the week. Finally, I got on my hands and knees and cleaned the floor.

Whew! I love a clean kitchen; although the rest of the house is unkempt, my kitchen gives me hope.

Tomorrow is the big storm and I'm taking on the bathrooms (2 and 1/2 technically). They aren't that big so I can consolidate them into "one room" for my cleaning schedule. I'll update you tomorrow.

I'm Not a Prodigy

I've been knitting since Memorial Day weekend, which is about 3 months. I love knitting. It's the one hobby (other than reading) that I'm serious about and I haven't given up before I ever really started (Example: Piano lessons - which, by the way, I still have all my books, notes from the four or so lessons I took, and the Casio keyboard I bought. I keep hoping I will go back to it one day. Sure......just like I'm going to lose this weight).

Back to knitting. I feel invested with this hobby but practical in the same vein. I have not bought a ton of yarn (partly due to me being out of work but also because I'm not good enough to buy the expensive yarn). I'm really a novice. Especially when I peruse the knitting blogs and forums out there.

You know what really makes me jealous? Socks!!! People who knit socks. I am in awe over the beauty and the workmanship it takes to knit socks. I could spend all day looking at knitted socks. When I go to the bookstore, I flip through the books on sock knitting. However, one look at the instructions, and I'm convinced that I will never be able to do this. But I want to!!!

I find knitting so full of contradictions. When I first started reading about it, all the books and how-to guides said all you need to know are two stitches, knit and purl. Everything is built on the foundation of these two stitches. So I'm intrigued! I can knit and purl. So I'm a pro, right? Wrong. Every time I make a stride in my knitting education (knit and purl stitches, binding off, cables, i-cords), I'm confronted with what I don't know....how to sew seams, how to block, how to properly weave-in the ends. And don't get me started on double-pointed needles and knitting in the round! I want to learn these techniques so badly (to produce those lovely knitted socks) but I really believe I should master the other techniques first.

So I'm slightly disappointed with my slow progress but overall I'm so glad that I picked up this hobby. Knitting has done wonders for my stress level and I can knit a fantastic scarf or washcloth. When I finally take that step to knit a pair of socks, I will post them proudly and loudly. Don't miss it! (But don't worry, you have at least a year to wait....)

Still Stumbling Along

I'm into my second (and last) week of babysitting. I've settled into a routine with the 2-year old. She's still unhappy to see me on certain occasions (I can't hold it against her). After this assignment, I have to start focusing on finding regular employment. I miss regular work, and the freedom that a paycheck brings you. It doesn't have to be a big paycheck, after all, there are no kids and no husband in my life. It's just me and a few bills.

I'm slowly working on my knitting. Funny thing is that once you learn one skill, you have to learn four other skills to finish a piece. I'm so backwards at blocking and seaming. I think I need to find a group of knitters in my area to sit down with and learn and watch.

I'm making a purse for the little girl I'm babysitting. It needs to be seamed and I have to make a cord for the shoulder strap. I'm not quite sure what an I-cord is, but I've seen it in my knitting books and I'm wondering if this would work.

My brother's one-year wedding anniversary was last Friday (the start of the Beijing Olympics). He's a very successful man; looking back on our childhood, it's so nice to see that he is happy and enjoying his life. I don't feel jealous or envious, even though I want those things for myself. His life doesn't cause me to break into fits (as I do when I compare myself to others); normally my brother and I are very competitive, but it's almost in a silly way. I can honestly say that I have no problem or neurosis about my (younger) brother far exceeding me in the life department.

I am in the process of accepting what I have in life. The past 10 years has made me desire a life with manageable stress and the simple basics.

Last Saturday, I was looking at silly stuff on the web. I found a site with the 25 worst album covers (this is the page here). Looking at the albums (and the subsequent comments from others) sent me into a fit of laughter, of which I haven't done in FOREVER. It felt so good. I was so happy to be laughing at something so silly. It was so intoxicating.

As Promised, A Peek At My Knitting

This is the reversible cable scarf that I am knitting. I got the free pattern from this site. However, my choice of yarn doesn't show the cables very nicely. My scarf is going to end up being very thick. I really like the colors in this yarn (it's Acrylic/Alpaca blend).



I enjoy knitting this pattern - it's very easy to do (I can even do it while babysitting). I think I've got the hang of cables now. I plan to try to do more cable designs. They just look so nice and like you put a bunch of work into it (when really it's quite simple to do).

For my second project, I'm working on a sweater. The pattern is from a book I bought, Knitting Simple Sweaters From Luxurious Yarns. And no, I didn't use a luxurious yarn....I used a wool yarn that was on sale at Michael's.

I've finished the back panel and I'm so close to finishing the front panel. I will need to start and finish the sleeves. Once that is finished, I can block the garment and stitch everything together.

I'm already in trouble with this because I don't think that the width is correct. I'm comfortable with the length of it, but the width somehow doesn't look right. I did a gauge swatch but the actual garment still falls short somehow. I'm going to wait to make a final declaration until after the sweater is blocked. Perhaps this is the push I need to lose this weight - so my imperfect sweater will fit me.



I can't wait to get a job so I can start spending money on new yarns! I would love to try double-pointed needles or circular knitting next. I am going to refrain from buying any more pattern or how-to books. I can use the internet for the free patterns for now.

Knitting has become a part of me very quickly. It's something I always look forward to doing - no matter what else is on the table.

How Much Can I Take?

So I've been out of work for over three weeks now. I'm babysitting for the next two weeks (so I consider this work - hell, I'm getting paid for it and it gets me out of the house so it's work!!!).

Unfortunately for me, I entertained an offer to go back to my old job. This is how it went down....they called me and asked me (twice!!) to come back. So I made an appointment to go in for an interview. (Now, at this point, I'm a little miffed that I have to "interview" but I can play the game....) During the interview, they offered me considerably less than what I was making before to come back. I turned them down. Perhaps not the wisest decision financially but I was extremely disappointed by this turn of events. I felt that I put myself out to be humiliated by them. First, I agreed to an interview and then I had to sit there and listen to them try to sell me on a much lower salary.

Because I quit, this gives them the right to come back to me and shame me? I gave them more than 6 weeks notice before leaving. I treated them with respect at all times; this was not recipocated by my employer.

I finished knitting the front of my sweater; now I need to start the arms. I got distracted and now I'm kniting a cabled scarf (which I think it's going to be way to thick to wear). I'll post a picture of it later.

Make Me a Better Person

Today I learned how to be a better person. Apparently, I'm not as nice as I should be. Normally, my response to this criticism (constructive or not) is "too bad, so sad". I don't feel the need to be what someone else thinks I should be, especially if it involves me being sweet or nice or any variance thereof.

However, this request came from my mother about my attitude towards her significant other. Okay, I'm going to try. Actually I've been making baby steps towards being nice to her SO but it's not enough for people to actually take notice and congratulate me. So I have to put on fake happiness and sweetness around those two and hope that they don't see it as sarcasm.

Summer television has kept me from being that crazy girl who flips the channels over and over and over, thinking that with each revolution I might stumble upon some amazing show (it never happens). I'm very satisfied with the reality shows (Project Runway, Shear Genius, Big Brother). Also, I'm into The Closer, In Plain Sight, Burn Notice, and most recently, Saving Grace. I can also be satiated by any repeat of Law and Order (any variation). The best part about the summer is Season Two of Mad Men on AMC.

Now, not to toot my own horn, but I discovered Mad Men before it was popular. This show is amazing; I downloaded the first season on iTunes, which I watch while I'm working out. My favorite part about the series is the scenes in the office. I definitely would have been right at home at Sterling Cooper - even if it was just a secretary. On second thought, I might even be too square for the 1960s - I can't stand cigarettes. But office cocktail could have definitely tempted me.

So if you need me this summer, I'll be at home (remember, no job), watching television, and practicing my smile for those who need sweetness in their lives.