Don't Question My Authority

Oh my goodness, I can be such a bitch sometimes. Now, I know, looking at my sweet, innocent face, you can't imagine me being difficult. Oh, you just have to ask my latest dude, whose name is Steve, about how not all things are as they seem.

Steve hears from me during the work day, I'm all about sweetness and love. Sample text messages: "I can't stop thinking about you"; "I hope that you are safe"; "Everything will be better when I get to see you tonight". BARF!!!!

Now, don't get me wrong, I mean every single word of what I say when I say it, but don't expect it to carry through to the rest of the day. By the evening, I am in, let's say, a different frame of mind. This is where boyfriend dude is literally ambushed by a new Debbie.

Now that boyfriend Steve is sitting in front of me, small little things begin to annoy me. For example, why does he not put the bread on his bread plate??? He put it on his napkin, fer chrissakes!!!. What is that about?? Or why does he untie his shoes every single time he removes them? Why can't you just kick them off and don't even bother with the laces??? Or why does he stick his tongue out weird when he coughs??

My inability to look past the small thing makes me act like a sarcastic smart-aleck. I know I'm not earning any good girlfriend points by my actions, but man oh man, do his little quirks bother me.

The best part of this is that I get to learn sometime new (and possibly something more annoying than the last thing) about Steve every day. He's got quite a witty sense of humor and he's not afraid to put me in my place by some out-of-left-field remark. He makes me very happy, something I've been missing for so long.

Second rainbow I've seen in as many days.....it must mean something good.

The Cycle of a Relationship

As illustrated by me, the old lady of the house....

1) The Hookup - Those dotcoms, particularly Match and Eharmony can really open up your dating field, when you are done with the roommate's friend (who was never really that into you while you are passed out on the garage floor) or the ex-boyfriend (because you thought he still loved you but he's with someone else). First dates are fun because it's usually just coffee or ice cream, so passive and non-threatening, and you can be done within an hour.

2) The Follow-Up Dates - more pressure!!! You have to regularly dress up, shave your legs, wear makeup. Jeez! This is where the real work begins but the fun also starts here. How nice is it to walk around holding hands and "belonging" together. However, I long for the days when we reach the Comfort Zone, so I can take a break on doing my hair *every* *single* day.

3) Comfort Zone - Let's stay in and watch movies. Totally at ease and things come down from the peak of the dating period. I can eat my junk food in front of him, and not have to explain myself. Now I can stop being so damn nice and smiling all the time, which, of course, leads into....

4) You-Aren't-That-Cute-Anymore - At first, I made a slamming impression on the guy, so sweet and nice and fun-loving. But now that I have him in my clutches, I can show my true, and maybe not-always-so-nice attitude. Only the truly brave and noble will make it through, but here's a secret....I'm worth it.

This is where I live right now.....I can't predict the future but I can report later to tell you how things are progressing.

Things I Won't Apologize for

1. Drama - As the one thing I got from my mother, it's a trait that some find annoying - recounting stories with overacting, hand gestures, pregnant pauses or facing a situation with exaggerated facial expressions and my loud voice. Sometimes I feel like my life has encouraged or attracted drama, but it comes pretty natural to me. My friend, Michele, calls me DM, not for my initials but for "Drama Mama".

2. My car - I've never been a huge fan of cars, they are transportation, a means to an end, that's all. But for a while, I had a strong desire to own a station wagon. You know, the Brady Bunch 70's-era station wagon. So when I bought a new car, I got the closest thing to it, but kind of cute and sporty - the Toyota Matrix. Oh, yeah, it's Japanese, too. No apologizing for that either.

3. My rules - I don't call boys; I don't care how childish it is. These rules are carefully crafted and drawn up by serious and insightful discussion between me and my friends after four or five Jagerbombs.

4. Being a know-it-all. If I state a fact, it's because I have real faith in it. I don't take risks, and I usually don't say stuff that I'm unsure of.

Next week, the things I will apologize for......it's about 10 times as long. :)

Proof I'm on on the right track

While at Target on Friday with my good friend, Heather, my eye focused on the selection of different gift cards.

I was amazed to see this one; of course I had to get it:

Tangible proof that the dude theory is persuasive and possibly an indication it should be expanded.

I will never forgive him

One relationship, over for more than one year, still takes up so much of my time. There are nights that I wake up from my sleep, and memories come flooding back to me from my past life. I am betrayed by my own mind, and I can't make things better by transferring the blame to someone else. The cycle continues as I get so angry at myself - I compound the lack of sleep with bitterness and anger turned inward.

The poisonous thoughts remain inside me and threaten my current relationship. So far, I've been good at suppressing them. However, last night, I was overwhelmed by feelings of loss and sadness. So much so that tears came to my eyes. How the hell am I to explain my sudden tears to the new man in my life? How is he to understand my conflict, which is completely self-induced? All of the evidence pointing to the fact that my decision a year ago was completely right and clearly the best thing I've ever done for myself, somehow still haunts my subconscious mind. How can I have any faith in anything when I am a slave to my own fucked-up head?

Welcome!

This is my first post of my new blog space. I was posting to my very own myspace page, but I feel like I've outgrown it. The myspace blog is not as pretty, and although I could probably find lots of utilities to "pimp" it, that's entirely too much trouble for my miscellaneous musings. So now my friends (which, according to myspace, is 10) can find me here.