Sunday, June 26, 2011

Crying Because I Want To

I started an easy project - a scarf using the the Double Bump Scarf pattern.  I've made several facecloths from this pattern, meaning to give them as a gift but they still sit on my kitchen table.  I took a knitting class several months ago and ended up with a skein of this light blue yarn.  I figured I could do a scarf and maybe have enough left over for a matching hat.  We'll see.  In the meantime, here's the little bit of progress on the scarf.

The beginning of a scarf
My afghan is  getting heavier on the needles and now drapes over my legs while I'm on the couch, knitting. I'm not sure how much more I'm going to knit but the pattern it's based on recommends at least 57 inches of the pattern, which does not include a two-inch bottom and top border.  I imagine that I will keep going until I use up all the yarn I bought for this project.  Mr. Grumpbump hates it when I have random left over yarn.

Retro Afghan
I thought about carrying around a little notebook with me so I could jot down ideas for this blog.  I think that most of my entries tend to be very one-sided and uninteresting.  In order to capture these brilliant ideas as soon as they pop into my head, I now carry around a small green notebook.  And it remains empty.  All of my ideas come to me as I drive.  I believe it would be a bad idea to suddenly whip out my green notebook at that time.  Notice I did not say they were good ideas.

For example, today I was thinking about how much hatred I have in my heart.  Or maybe I just feel like life is unfair and it makes me angry.  Now, as I start to type what I was thinking, I realize that the words on the page only make me sound bitter and pathetic.  It is a habit of mine to look at houses as I drive by and imagine how the people living inside can afford such luxury.   What is it that they are doing that I am not?  I then see that my hatred is just jealousy and it makes me feel uglier than all my excess weight ever does.  It's just a game I play with myself.

I then skipped around until I made a connection to explain my jealousy.  I was raised Catholic and attended parochial school until the 9th grade.  This means I went to mass every Friday and Sunday for at least 8 years, from age 5 to 14.  On top of that, every year we had a religious education class.  All the teachings were drilled into me over and over until it was no longer a choice but a part of me.  I believed with all my heart that if I lived my life as a good Christian that I would be rewarded by a good life.  So, I was basically a good person, with the exception of petty childish things, I earned good grades in school, I tried my best to be respectful of all adults, I did what I was told.  And then I waited.  Waited for this good life to come to me.  By the time I realized that the good life was not going to come to me, that I had to pursue it, I ended up with a man who took complete advantage of me.  Convincing me that being with him was the good life, when it was the exact opposite of good.  It was completely wrong.  I gave up that lifestyle and just tried to live a decent life.  Yet, I am still behind and the morally corrupt, rotten people are miles ahead of me.  I have no explanation for this imbalance and its very existence pisses me off.  That's the convoluted reason I envy those who have so much more than me.

I have to say that there are people I love who are experiencing things so much worse than me not having a house, or another kitten, or a baby or even a respectable career and money.  I specifically am not including their pain in this because it's not my place to discuss their private matters.  However, I am in no way equating the unfairness I feel with what they are going through and I would never discuss this with them for that same reason.  I would gladly accept more pain and suffering, with the rule of keeping my pity party strictly to myself, to alleviate all their problems from their life.

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