Today was a really crappy day. And then it was night, which wasn't much better. I realized that the farthest I have ever lived from my hometown is 75 miles, and that's not very far. This is not comforting to me; perhaps I've used it as a crutch. My dealings with my parents usually end with me compromising my desires to accommodate theirs. And, if I get hard-headed about something, well, it is that much more painful when I eventually cave in. This realization is one of those things that just sneaks up on a person - like when I realized that I'm really overweight - and I can't imagine how I tricked myself into believing anything other than what is obviously the truth. It's like I live in my head and then I suddenly become grounded with the full weight of the truth (no pun intended).
My conversation with my mother tonight made me realize that she honestly believes that it is in my best interest to have a partner who can financially take care of me. I had to explain to her that I know that I will always be responsible for my own well-being, even if I get married. How naive of her. It makes me laugh - as if there is some big bowl of man soup out there and I have to keep bobbing for that man who can provide for me financially and emotionally. Actually, I can reverse the argument and consider how well I am suited for a partner; I have a decent job (perhaps not enough to support a family) but am I of any value in providing someone emotional support and love? For some reason, of which I can't really place a reason for, the promise of financial stability means relatively little to me these days. Perhaps this is due to the reality of the economy these days. People who used to be so secure in their jobs and careers are quickly learning what it is like to have the rug pulled out from under them. Planning for the future is a nice gig, when you are raising a family or young enough to enjoy the ride, but me...I don't fall into either of those categories. I'm not trying to be nihilistic; but I am a pessimist by nature. And just a simpleton who can't see how any of this really matters; I just needed to satisfy my need to vent in public.