Sunday, June 29, 2008

Continuing Education

I'm going to JoAnn's today. I want to pick up some yarn for my first sweater. According to the pattern, I need a 50/50 cotton/acrylic blend. I'm excited about it. I'll probably treat myself to Starbucks too, since there are two in the immediate vicinity.

Last night, I experimented with cables. I made a really simple test swatch of with a left-twisting cable. It worked!!!



I know that it's not perfect but the cable part of it looks right.

The funny thing about learning how to knit is that I started out with two books and a beginner's kit from JoAnn's. The how-to books were helpful, but now that I'm armed with a little bit of knowledge, I'm re-reading them and actually gaining so much more from them. I understand the concepts now and it feels more like reading for enjoyment than like I'm reading from a textbook.

My hair is so long - I need a hair cut. Hair cuts are very scary for me since my hair is naturally curly; I don't trust anyone. That's why my hair ends up this long.


Eventually I force myself into the salon, and they just take off a few inches and all the split ends, and I feel so much better. But taking that first step is so traumatic. From my youth to my late 20's, I always had short hair because my mother had no idea how to handle my thick frizzy hair. The easiest way for her to handle it was to cut it off. You see all these little girls with baby fine hair, so easy to brush and braid and put pigtails in. Not me. After my hair dries, if you try to brush it you will end up with a huge frizzy afro. I think my short hair aged me, and even though I'm fat, I still like long hair. I guess it would be nice if I could take care of it properly.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

No Compromise

My co-workers are still telling me that they can't believe I'm leaving. I hear from most folks that I will be back, that this work is in my blood. While I agree that the salary is very nice, I am 100% willing to walk away from it in order to find a better quality life. This week alone I've worked 12 to 14 hours EVERY DAY. There is no respite from this pattern. My trip from the house to the office is 30 to 40 minutes; I use this time to fantasize about the future and ponder on my wasted life. I'm not going to say that I'm not worried or scared, but I am also excited and willing to risk things in order to find a balance. I don't have a family or children; what is the reason I need to throw my whole life away for a job?

The community I live in switched cable companies. I basically ignored all the hubbub since basic cable and internet is provided as a part of my rent. However, I lost Internet connectivity for 2 days because my modem was not registered as a part of the network. Of course, working 12 hours a day means I have no time during the work week to focus on anything during normal hours. Today I called Brighthouse and managed to have the problem fixed within 2 hours.

The reason I mention this is because recently I've become more aware that I have to fix things. Nothing comes simply anymore. I have to solve problems, and I resent that. It's part of what makes me so angry about everything. I've never had anyone take care of me. I've always assumed the role of problem solver and person in charge. I am jealous of those people who get taken care of and can focus on themselves, while I have to concentrate on so many other things and I neglect myself in order to get everything done.

This is a part of my reasoning behind me leaving my job. I want a chance to do something for me.

I missed knitting this week. I am amassing a collection of washcloths. I'm trying to move onto something more substantial. I'm considering a sweater; my only concern being the cost of the yarn.

July is going to be a good month. I'm predicting it now. It's the start of new things for me. I hope.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

In The Middle of a Mess

It's hard to describe just how difficult it is to be an employee at my present company. Yes, there are policies and procedures, but any outside person can effectively sway decision making because management is so afraid to take any stance. The only reason the company works is simply because the people working there are so dedicated and experienced; they make it work in spite of the obstacles and ridiculous demands of management. This is really the reason I'm leaving; I just cannot handle the bullshit anymore.

That being said, the people I work with are really funny. We seem to have as many good times as we do bad (and the bad are based on outside influences, not from each other). If I could force myself to stay, I would love to continue working with them. However, that alone is not enough to keep me there.

I'm working until July 11.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

My Car Needs Gas

It was raining so bad on the way home from work today. People actually pulled off the side of the road to wait the rain out. I did the responsible thing and got off my cell phone call and actually put both hands on the wheel. About half way home, my gas light came on. I absolutely must get gas before I go to work in the morning.

It looks like I'll be working through June. My replacement starts tomorrow. I have to train her in these next few weeks. Basically that means I have to do things EXACTLY by the book and I have to be on my best behavior. No more complaining or whining. It will be a rough few weeks. Being positive is not exactly my strong suit.

I am working on more washcloths; I've also just started working on a small purse. The purse is completely knitted, with a simple cord for the handle and button loop for the closure. My brother sent me a pattern for a laptop cover. Looks like a felting project, which I would like to learn how to do.

I'm watching Family Guy on Adult Swim. It's my nighttime routine. Very funny show but disturbing on many levels. I've fallen asleep with this playing on the tv and, as a result, have weird dreams. They say that if you fall asleep with the tv on you don't really fall into proper REM sleep. I find though, that the tv helps me to relax and unwind. I eventually turn it off. It's just a crutch.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

You Always Remember Your First

Driving to visit my dad this weekend, I thought about how my life has not taken any direct path. I have meandered all over the place, skipping key events due to my insecurities or my poor choices. I started by summarizing my major relationships with men; my father, who loved me but only when I was the perfect daughter, the husband who I had little physical affection with or for, the lover who I obsessed over. Somewhere in there I lost my direction; I found it acceptable to dismiss my obligations and left them for others to pay for it. I never had children. I jumped from job to job, trying to support someone else.

I see it in the way I knit. I make mistakes. Usually, when I try to fix it, I make the problem worse. So I cover it up the best way I can and go on. Covering up. Avoidance. That's the way I've lived my life now for longer than I can remember.

I have moments where I feel utterly terrified about life. I almost panic over it. Most of all I do not want my family to know what a failure I am. I feel like failure oozes from me; I struggle to cover up but it seeps through in my weight or my frizzy hair or any deficient part of me.

I love my family; I never want to be without them. However, I think they would be better off without me. My dreams are filled with people chasing me. I'm always running in my dreams. I run in real life, too (not physically, but figurately). I left my husband; I left my lover numerous times; I've left jobs with no safety net(as in Current Day in the Life of Deb). I never make it to safety in my dreams. I always wake up before I arrive or get caught. Some day I'm not going to be so lucky.

I knitted my first hat. It is so full of mistakes but I am happy with it anyway. It's sort of cute for a first hat. I'm going to knit some more washcloths but my next big project is a sweater. I'm waiting for needles I bought from eBay to arrive first.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Still Crazy After All These Years

During one six-year period in my life, I was addicted to a man. Our up and down relationship ended so many times, with me leaving but always coming back. The last time I obviously left for good, but not before I did the craziest things due to heartache and jealously and regret. I've cooled down since then, and I've always reassured myself that the craziness I suffered from was just a blip on the radar of my entire life. I think now that I was dead wrong.

I quit my job. Yep, I quit. In the middle of the worst economy in my lifetime, I quit. I don't feel bad about it. I am very nervous but I am avoiding that right now. I'm planning to take a month break and start to work again, this time with the right attitude. I know now, more than any other time in my life, that I have the ability to do most any office job. In the past, I was always so unsure about my abilities, but the one thing I learned in this mess of a career is that I always blow things out of proportion.

Leading us to this, that crazy period in my life was not just a one-time thing. It's a permanent affliction. I am freefalling through life, not really sure about anything, but outwardly appearing like everything is just fine. It's a very good thing that I never had children; I am classically unstable but I can hide it just fine, thank you very much. I have the appearance of a life. Perhaps I have to manufacture drama in my life in order to have any feelings at all.

I'll be able to blog more, although my current plan is work out the rest of June. We'll have to see what July brings.

I finished my scarf. I'm not going to have much use for it for another 7 months. I think I'm going to work on a hat now. I just want my knitting to look polished. And it doesn't.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

The Beginning Or The End?

Here's my latest project, a scarf. Boring because I am using one color, but I'm moving onto bigger and better projects as soon as it's done.



I can't figure out why I'm not happy. I think I need a change of scenery. This might be solve by me getting away from my job. Not just a vacation, but a change of careers. I would love to start over and reinvent myself somewhere new. I've got so many old things hanging over my head everywhere I look. I'm still so near to my hometown that I do not feel like I can ever truly let go and just live.

I'm ready for something new.